The 6 Most Insane Video Games About Dating
Written by: Mark Hill and Dustin Koski
Publication: Cracked.com
Date published: May 24, 2012
[Reference note: This is a list composed of 6 games. Only the relevant game, deIz, is archived here.]
Dating video games are hugely popular in Japan: They're text-heavy games where each click brings you a little closer to either getting to see some cartoon porn or ending up in a "game over" screen (and then seeing that cartoon porn on Google anyway). The stories always involve a childhood friend you secretly lust for, a wise character with glasses who gives you advice (that you secretly lust for) and, this being Japan, a healthy dose of insanity.
Some of these games take that last part a little too far, though, leading to some very confusing boners. Like ...
3. Deiz -- Spot the Hermaphrodite
[Image: deIz image.]
In Deiz, you're a high school student going through a normal school day -- or at least, what passes for normal in these games. Depending on your decisions throughout the day, you can end up having an intimate encounter with one of eight possible characters ... one of whom is a hermaphrodite. Which one? You'll only find out when it's too late.
[Image: deIz main menu.]
[Image text: Pretty sure there's an actual game show with the same premise.]
The weirdest part of this game is that if you do everything right, it's a standard romantic comedy about a boy with a crush on a girl (who is also a critically acclaimed film director, for some reason). But if you mess up, things can go horribly, horribly wrong: For example, in one of the potential endings, you suddenly get kidnapped by a student who has been stalking you, who then proceeds to strip you naked, whip you and mock your unresponsive dong.
[Image: deIz screenshot.]
[Image text: If your porn game makes fun of the player for not getting a boner, you're probably doing it wrong.]
In the game, you have not one but two childhood friends, a guy and a girl, who help you hook up with your crush. However, one of the endings involves your male friend revealing his feelings for you by grabbing your penis, in the most awkward "game over" screen ever. And if you end up with your female friend, she also makes a move on you with her penis, as demonstrated in a scene where you become the unwitting middle ingredient in a boner sandwich.
[Image: deIz screenshot.]
[Image text: It's nice that everyone's happy to see you, we guess.]
And then there's the ending that combines almost all of the above: You and your friend (the one with only one set of genitalia, that is) are kidnapped and forced to make a gay porn movie at Taser point. This ending, by the way, was determined by a poll in the creator's DeviantArt page.
[Image: deIz screenshot.]
[Image text: Really blew the chance to use the word "pole" there.]
The game is completely free to download, but we're not sure who exactly the target audience here is. Let's say you give this a shot because you're into secret teenage hermaphrodites: You still run the risk of ending up being whipped by a girl dressed in leather and going "Aw, come on, that shit is just wrong!" And vice versa. Unless you share a very specific set of fetishes with the game's creator, this game is bound to produce more awkward moments than boners.
[Screencap image: DeviantArt poll.]
[Screencap image text: We hope this is admissible in court.]
Dating video games are hugely popular in Japan: They're text-heavy games where each click brings you a little closer to either getting to see some cartoon porn or ending up in a "game over" screen (and then seeing that cartoon porn on Google anyway). The stories always involve a childhood friend you secretly lust for, a wise character with glasses who gives you advice (that you secretly lust for) and, this being Japan, a healthy dose of insanity.
Some of these games take that last part a little too far, though, leading to some very confusing boners. Like ...
3. Deiz -- Spot the Hermaphrodite
[Image: deIz image.]
In Deiz, you're a high school student going through a normal school day -- or at least, what passes for normal in these games. Depending on your decisions throughout the day, you can end up having an intimate encounter with one of eight possible characters ... one of whom is a hermaphrodite. Which one? You'll only find out when it's too late.
[Image: deIz main menu.]
[Image text: Pretty sure there's an actual game show with the same premise.]
The weirdest part of this game is that if you do everything right, it's a standard romantic comedy about a boy with a crush on a girl (who is also a critically acclaimed film director, for some reason). But if you mess up, things can go horribly, horribly wrong: For example, in one of the potential endings, you suddenly get kidnapped by a student who has been stalking you, who then proceeds to strip you naked, whip you and mock your unresponsive dong.
[Image: deIz screenshot.]
[Image text: If your porn game makes fun of the player for not getting a boner, you're probably doing it wrong.]
In the game, you have not one but two childhood friends, a guy and a girl, who help you hook up with your crush. However, one of the endings involves your male friend revealing his feelings for you by grabbing your penis, in the most awkward "game over" screen ever. And if you end up with your female friend, she also makes a move on you with her penis, as demonstrated in a scene where you become the unwitting middle ingredient in a boner sandwich.
[Image: deIz screenshot.]
[Image text: It's nice that everyone's happy to see you, we guess.]
And then there's the ending that combines almost all of the above: You and your friend (the one with only one set of genitalia, that is) are kidnapped and forced to make a gay porn movie at Taser point. This ending, by the way, was determined by a poll in the creator's DeviantArt page.
[Image: deIz screenshot.]
[Image text: Really blew the chance to use the word "pole" there.]
The game is completely free to download, but we're not sure who exactly the target audience here is. Let's say you give this a shot because you're into secret teenage hermaphrodites: You still run the risk of ending up being whipped by a girl dressed in leather and going "Aw, come on, that shit is just wrong!" And vice versa. Unless you share a very specific set of fetishes with the game's creator, this game is bound to produce more awkward moments than boners.
[Screencap image: DeviantArt poll.]
[Screencap image text: We hope this is admissible in court.]